


And I always will be

by lacat123



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Aftermath of Self-Harm, Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst and Feels, Blood, Brotzly - Freeform, Dirk Gently Needs a Hug, Dirk Gently Whump, Dirk Gently being called Svlad Cjelli, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Episode: s02e06 Girl Power, Fluff and Angst, Forced Self Harm, Guilt, Gun Violence, I Tried, I apologize for that tag, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss of Identity, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, My First Fanfic, POV Dirk Gently, POV Farah Black, POV Todd Brotzman, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sorry I Am Over Tagging, Svlad Cjelli - Freeform, There Are Spoilers For That Episode, This Plot is a Wreck, Todd Brotzman Takes Care of Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman and Dirk Gently Angst, Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently Fluff, Torture, Violence, todd brotzman/dirk gently - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-07-16 01:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16075565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacat123/pseuds/lacat123
Summary: Todd and Dirk are captured by Priest at the Cardenas' house.aka:The one where Dirk loses himself, and Todd has no way to find him."I scrubbed furiously, crying into the water as it swirled, but nothing would wash their blood off my hands.Nothing."(This is my first fic so it's probably horrible but you won't know unless you try, right?)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! You are one of the few who have chosen to read whatever this thing is that I came up with. I am happy for any feedback you have to offer! Go into this knowing the plot is a little shaky and is basically just an excuse for some hurt Dirk and Todd. I will post warnings for each chapter here, but there is a blanket danger of language and kidnapping.
> 
> Warnings:  
> Mild violence

|Dirk|

|Day: 0|

The sound of a heavy machine  
gun pierced through the panic in the hospital, as Todd led me through the ruined building. His soft touch on my waist was a sharp contrast to the imminent danger we were in. The floor was covered in bodies, some riddled with bullets, some pierced with... shapes. I moaned softly at the sight, screwing my eyes shut. Still, the images were burned to the inside of my eyelids.

I felt us reach the stairs, and we started to descended. My mind threatened to spiral into darkness as I tried to focus on Todd's hand on my waist. Our loud footfalls echoed throughout the silent stairwell. I heard the sharp sounded of the door opening, and felt a soft breeze against my face. 

I opened my eyes slowly, sighing at the placid sight that lay before me, so different from the scene we had just left. A red Jeep swung wildly around the curb, skidding to a stop. 

Farah sat in the behind the wheel, face pulled into a contortion of fear that was so unlike her normally calm shell. Todd pulled me into the back seat, sliding next to me and holding my shoulders, pulling me into an awkward side-hug. Farah slammed on the gas, quickly pealing out into the street. Even as we drove away, I think everyone's minds were back in that bloody hospital. 

I heard Farah begin talking, the panic in her voice apparent. The hopelessness of the situation suddenly and fully dawning on me, seeping into my soul, whispering two words over and over. "We lost" I didn't realize that I had said it out loud until Farah stopped speaking, and the car was startled into silence. 

I let my head fall onto Todd's shoulder, breathing in the comforting scent of his day-old shirt and pine-scented deodorant. My mind drifted back to that diner three months ago, the last time I smelled this, and hours before everything went to hell. 

I tried to imagine it, reality slipping as I retreated into myself, to the chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and extra sprinkles. I faintly could hear Todd panicking, shouting at me and shaking my shoulders, trying to get some reaction. 

After a couple of futile minutes, Todd stopped, calming himself down. He whispered softly about how everything will be alright and other sweet nothings. 

Several minutes later, the car jerked to a stop, and the driver and backseat doors swung open. I pulled my head up from Todd's shoulder, looking at the our destination. The Cardenas house. We were back here, to the awful place with bleeding tables and purple people eaters. I heard a faint whimper, and realized it came from me. Todd looked over at me worriedly, and pulled me out from the Jeep, saying something about finding the portal that Panto had gone through to come to our world. 

Once I was out of the car, I stood next to Todd, and looked down into his pale blue eyes. Those were the same eyes I had seen when I burst through his window so long ago. The same eyes as when we were both lying on the floor of Zachariah Webb's mansion, dying. The same eyes I had seen in my dreams every night at Blackwing. Those eyes gave me enough strength to walk towards the house filled with my nightmares. 

Todd looked at me with a soft smile, and we both started walking up to the house, Farah trailing behind. 

As we reached the front door, I heard the faint sound of a car on a dirt road. We all turned our heads to see who it was, and what horrible being had followed us here.

As soon as the black SUV came into view, my blood turned to ice. A string of expletives came out of Farah's mouth, and Todd softly groaned. This was too much. It was all just too much. My knees buckled, and Todd jumped to catch me as I fell to the ground. I heard his voice distantly, as though I was a thousand miles away. The only thing I could focus on was the one word embossed on the side of the van, filling my vision totally. Blackwing. They had found me.

Once everyone snapped out of the shock we were pulled into, Todd dragged me to my feet, supporting way too much of my weight for him to be comfortable. He pulled me through the Cardenas' broken front door, into the weathered entryway.

I noticed Farah stayed outside, probably to protect us from the danger that car was bringing ever closer. As we went further into the house, I thought a silent apology to her, knowing she was going to her death. 

We quickly climbed the stairs, each step groaning at the sudden use after years of rest.

I forced my head back into the diner, remembering the sweetness of my shake, the cold of the red leather seats, and Todd's hand reaching for mine under the table, his warm smile melting my heart. From whatever part of me remained in reality, I could faintly tell we reached the upstairs. 

Entering the child's bedroom with the murals of Wendimoor, my mind was forced to bring some awareness back to the present. 

Todd let go of my shoulders, and I slid to the floor in the corner, his rantings white noise behind my thoughts.

I repeated to myself the hard details of that day in my mind. Walking outside the building, seeing Friedkin leaning lazily against a support beam, barely noticing the panic that appeared on my face. The two men who pulled a black hood over my head, and shoved me into a van. A van very similar to the one approaching us now. 

Todd's voice grew higher in pitch, the sheer desperation in his speech forcing me to listen closer. He moved around the room, trying to find Panto's portal. He was talking about how the ceiling, the floor, the bed must have some significance. 

But soon I heard the voice. That voice, with it's happy lilt, and musical joy, brought all those horrible memories flooding back. Mr. Priest was coming, and we were trapped.

I tried to focus more on Todd's ramblings, desperately hoping that there was some truth, that there was a portal to Wendimoor. 

Just as he started exclaiming something about the bed having to close, the room's door splintered off its hinges. An imposing man in all black stood in the doorway, his wrinkled face crisscrosses with soft, white scars.

I stood quickly and walked back until my spine hit the wall, needing to put as much distance between him and me as possible. Todd quickly followed, standing protectively in front of me in a way that would be far more effective if he was five inches taller. 

Priest had that smile on his face, the ones that haunted the shadows of my nightmares. The one of pure joy at the thought of hunting us down and torturing us. 

He slowly pulled his gun out of us holster, holding it limply at his side. And by his face, I could tell he had absolutely no problem using it. His eyes were full of delight as he spoke the few words that were my undoing. The few words that made me spiral down in a way that hadn't happened in 16 years. 

"It's time to come home, Svlad"

 

|Todd|

|Day: 0|

Just those six words. Six tiny words that completely tore Dirk apart. 

 

With a pitiful whimper, he fell into my arms, his sudden weight nearly bringing us both to the ground. Dirk's eyes, the blue ones I loved so much, were wide saucers fixated on Priest. He started shaking, his panic evident on his face.

"N-no" He whispered under his breath, shrinking more into me.

Priest practically licked his lips as he cooed a soft yes back at him, obviously enjoying how this made Dirk crumple.

My mind reeled with the fact that we were trapped, and Farah was probably dead, or worse, captured. I frantically ran through possible options, but there was none. There is no way out of this. But there must be a way out of this.

I tried to get Dirk to stand up, whispering his name in the way I know he loves, but he just stared mutely at Priest, grasping at my jacket.

More men in similar black uniforms came behind Priest and crowded into the room, easily filling it. 

Their heavy boot falls broke the suffocating silence that had smothered the room.

One tried to grabbed Dirk and pull us apart, but he clung on to me, knuckles white with effort. Priest chuckled at him, and moved so he was behind Dirk, just out of his view. Dirk's head turned towards me, his soft eyes gazing up into mine, searching.

I watched as Priest took out a small, handheld taser and a hoarse cry ripped from my throat as he pressed it to Dirk's side. 

He fell, and hit the ground hard. He thrashed wildly a couple of times before going still. His eyes fluttered softly before shutting. 

I shouted his name, trying to run to his side, hoping he was ok. Needing him to be ok. He looked so peaceful, his soft face a distraction from the surrounding scene. 

Before I could reach him, another soldier grabbed my arms, pulling me away and pinning my back to his chest. 

Priest approached me, the look in his eyes reflecting what I imagined a predator looked like when faced with his prey.

I struggled against the rough hands holding me, knowing as I did there was no hope. He was too strong, too big. 

Priest leaned in close to me, his breath hot and moist against my ear. 

"We are going to have so much fun."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited chapter two! Sorry it took me so long to post this, but I have finished the entire story so will be posting frequently from now on. Hope y'all like it.
> 
> Warnings:  
> Torture

|Todd  
|Day 1|

The first thing I noticed was the sheets. They were cool and scratchy, in a way vaguely artificial. The second thing was the pounding headache. I remembered The guard behind me holding my body tight to his as Priest slowly choked me to unconsciousness. That's probably where it's from. 

I finally opened my eyes, crusty with sleep and exhaustion. My hands ghosted lightly over the ring of bruises that adorned my neck like a piece of jewelry. 

My eyes glanced down and focused on the grey jumpsuit that I was wearing. There were noticeable stitch marks from where a symbol had been sewn on but then removed.

I remember Dirk telling me about the symbol back in Springsboro. The diamond, which contained a circle, all cut by a thin, black, line. The same as he had tattooed above his heart. A sudden thought pulled me out of my head.

Where's Dirk?

I threw the covers off my body, the sudden movement causing my head to jolt painfully. As I focused more on my surroundings, I heard faint sobbing from behind the small partition in the room. Walking in to what seemed to be the bathroom, my eyes were immediately drawn to Dirk's.

He was sitting in the corner of the room, snuggled between the far wall and the sink.

His knees were drawn to his chest, his face calm but pale. I was beside him in a second, asking if he was hurt in a hundred different ways, and threatening whoever may have harmed him. He simply leaned into my shoulder, pressing his eyes deep into my collarbone.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into the awkward side-hug he hates. This was the same man who yesterday had been unable to shut up, but today made no effort to speak.

After a couple of tense minutes filled only with his soft sobs, he shifted his gaze up to mine. His beautiful blue eyes were full of tears.

"I'm s-sorry, Todd. Th-this is all m-my fault you're.... here" He choked back another sob, the sound burying deep in my soul.

"This isn't your fault, Dirk." I said softly back, my voice grating against the inside of my bruised throat. Giving no reply, he moved his head from my shoulders, wiping his eyes and trying to be more composed. He got to his feet, and a sharp whimper of pain escapes his throat, and he walks back into the main room.

As he sits heavily down on the edge of the bed, I notice just how much he is holding his side. Clutching the hidden spot where the taser had hit him. I followed and sat next to him, the bed creaking under our combined weight.

I grabbed the zipper of his jumpsuit, and slowly pulled it down until it was level with his waist. My eyes caught the little patch that had the symbol along with a word: Icarus.

Anger clouded my vision. How dare they brand him like that, replacing him with a designation? I forced my hand to keep moving as I helped him slip off the top portion, revealing a light grey undershirt.

Gripping the hem of his shirt, I looked towards him for approval. He nodded, sniffling, and I slowly lifted the bottom up. A yellow bruise spread across his lower ribs, darkest around two points.

My hand slowly reached out and ran along the discoloration. I heard Dirk whimper softly, and immediately pulled back. I let the shirt fall back down, my hand slightly shaking.

Dirk opened his mouth as if to say something, but the sudden sound of a key being inserted in a lock cut him off. The door opened noiselessly. In walks Priest and two guards, smiling wanly at the two of them.

I shift in front of Dirk, trying to shield him from whatever is going to happen next.

"Hello, boys," he says, a small giggle escaping his lips. I felt Dirk start shaking, the mere presence of Priest causing him to panic. "Svlad, aren't you glad to see me?" he smirked. Dirk pushed harder into me, his shaky breath warm on my neck. Priest sighed at him, seeming disappointed at his reaction. He walked a few steps forward, and he reached out a hand as though to touch him. As Dirk flinched back, he roughly grabbed my bicep.

Pulling me off the bed, he turned me into his chest. His large forearm moved to dig into my throat, cutting off some of my air. The pressure on my newly formed bruises caused me to groan. Although the cold metal of his handgun pressed into my left temple caused me to shut up.

His voice rang out near my ear, "I see that the necklace I gave you wasn't for nothing,"

Dirk cried out my name, standing quickly. His arms in front of him as though in surrender.

"P-please M-mr. Priest... d-don't hurt him. I'll do whatever y-you want, just don't hu-," His whimpers were silenced by Priest tightening his grip on my throat.

"Oh, Svlad. I'm going to hurt him," Another morbid giggle escapes him, causing my blood to run cold and my insides to twist. My hands pull at his thick arm, desperately trying to pull it away. The lack of oxygen was starting to make the room close in. But listening to this monster say Dirk's dead name so calmly and casually made me want to tear out his throat.

"That's not his name!" I shouted, my voice weak and rough because of pain. I was fed up with all the shit going on right now. The least Priest could do is call Dirk by his name. I heard him giggle by my ear, causing me to tense.

"I see we will have our first lesson today," he smirked. I barely felt the lifting of the gun when it crashed back down into my temple, pain exploding throughout my head. Dirk softly screamed, running and grabbing me as Priest released me and I slumped forwards.

My forehead felt wet, and I realized with shock that must be my blood. Dirk's hands were covered too, him seeming not to notice. He gently laid me on the floor, whispering apologies. Priest stood above us, his face twisted into a smile.

"What is your name?" He said to Dirk. I saw the fear flash through his eyes, saw the possible outcomes of this running through his head. Crying a little, his voice filled the tiny space, seeping into my brain and latching onto my soul.

"M-my name is S-svlad Cjelli," My gaze slowly drifted to his face, looking at the brokenness. Trying to find one bit of the happiness from days before. Priest just laughed, turning towards me.

"And now, Todd, what is his name?" I felt Dirk stiffen beside me. He knew me so well. He knew exactly what I was going to say.

"His name," I ground out from between my teeth, "is Dirk. Fucking. Gently."

I didn't have time register the shift in Priest's face before his boot connected with my stomach. Pain raced through my ribs as they broke, white spots twisting and dancing in front of my vision. I saw the taser moments before I felt it it, the two hard points digging into my thigh. The agony from it was excruciating, causing the edges of my vision to go black.

I heard the gun cock and Priest's sharp command to Dirk. I saw the barrel pointed at my chest. A sharp ringing then hit my ears, slowly drowning out Dirk's sobs and whimpers. As everything turned dark, and my hearing was gone, my last connection to the world slipped away as Dirk took his warm hand off my shoulder.

|Dirk|

Giving one last look Todd, I nodded my head slowly to agreeing to Priest's request. No, not request, command. His gun still held over Todd's prone body, aimed and cocked. Priest gestured at me with it, and I slowly stood and walked to him, biting my lip to keep from sobbing more.

He wrapped one arm around my side, the other pressing the hard metal object into my ribs. His hand slowly snaked up to my hair, stroking it softly and obviously enjoying my flinch.

He pushed me out of the room, closing and locking the door. My project symbol, etched in black, stood out harshly against the pristine white of the wall. I thought about the mirroring tattoo on my back, wondering how similar the two look.

Priest moved his right hand down my side, pulling me in closer to him. His mouth pulled down to my ear, the breath disgustingly moist and warm.

"I've missed you, Svlad-y," I couldn't help the small whimper that escaped me. "You know, Blackwing was shut down a few months ago. So, we don't have to even focus on your little abilities. We can just have fun." A sweat broke over my skin at that. What did he mean, Blackwing was shut down? Then why were we here?

Him and his entourage led me through the halls. Soon we reached another set of doors. One of the guards punched in a code and turned the door handle.

Inside was two chairs. Priest shoved me into one, pulling metal restraints across each of my wrists and ankles. A few moments later, the two guards dragged Todd in, repeating the same steps for his cuffs.

His eyes were cloudy and pain filled. My heart jumped a bit in my chest as more tears welled in my eyes.

"Now, I see we need a little lesson on names. Todd, meet Svlad Cjelli." His back was turned towards me as he talked to Todd. I silently willed him to just agree. I couldn't bear having him hurt more because of me.

I saw his eyes lift to Priest's. Saw the little mischievous smirk that played in the monster's eyes, knowing the response he would get.

"His name is Dirk Gently," Todd's voice was laced with pain, but held strong. I flinched as Priest gave no response, but pulled out a leather glove from his pocket. He tugged it on and stretched the thick material around his hand.

Barely a second went by before it flung out at Todd's diaphragm.

He bent over as much as he could, coughing and trying to regain his breath. Watching him struggle to breathe, I finally found my voice, begging him.

"Todd please, just agree. Please just agree. D-don't hurt him." He just locked eyes with me before turning back to Priest.

" 

I see physical pain won't make you break that easy, and I don't want to spend a ton of time on this. So I will ask you one last time. What is Project Icarus' name?" He had both arms on the top of Todd's chair, caging him in. Still, he looked up defiantly, refusing to answer.

"Ok. You asked for it," Priest gave out another blood-chilling giggle before moving away from Todd. I saw fear flash through his eyes as he walked towards me.

Before I had time to adjust to the change, his knuckles landed first on the bruise from the taser, then on my lip. I felt my body seize up in pain, a loud groan escaping.

Priest grabbed under my chin, lifting it up to eye level with Todd. I focused on his blue eyes, so filled with pain and panic. Priest leaned in close to me, putting his mouth near my cheek.

"I will ask you one last time Todd. What. Is. His. Name." I saw something break in him as he whispered the two words. My dead name. The one I shed to get away from Blackwing and whatever mark it left on me.

But now, hearing Todd's voice whisper it, I realized I never truly got away. I was always here, in Blackwing. And I always will be.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'd like to take a moment and thank some of the wonderful commenters, especially flightinflame, for all their amazing support. Comments are what feed me! Hope y'all enjoy chapter three, despite its length. 
> 
> P.S. I wrote all these chapters a really long time ago and they aren't all that good, so I apologize. Any suggestions would be awesome!
> 
> Warnings:  
> Self-harm

|Dirk|

|Day: 2|

Standing in the small bathroom, I stared at my reflection. The man staring back was hollow, a shell full of pain and bruises and nothing.

My hand brushed my split lip, running softly over the cut. I then slowly stripped out of my outfit until I was standing in only my boxers and undershirt. I thought of Todd sleeping in the nearby room, and blushed. It almost brought a smile to my lips.

Almost.

I looked at the large bruise spreading practically my entire right side. Caressing it with my fingertips was enough to send waves of agony through my entire body.

I started shaking, my tears flowing freely as I sobbed silently. I felt so empty. I stood back up, taking another look in the mirror.

"My name is..." I whispered to it, thinking back a few days to sitting with Farah and Todd in the station at Bergsberg. Laughing and smiling. Smiling. I mimicked the action in the present, but it looked hollow.

"My name..." The words died on my lips.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't-

know

Words were flowing out now, whispers filling my head, the world, the universe. This goddamn bloody universe.

I barely felt my fingers digging in the skin on my side where my shirt was lifted slightly. Digging in where the bruise Priest had gave me was.

Pulling my hand up shakingly to my face, I stared at the blood dripping slowly down the fingertips. Running in little rivers until it hit the white floor, marring the pureness the color brought.

The pain that radiated through my ribs was low, like a soft throb, but was nice.

Priest entered my mind again, his lips asking my name. Over and over and over and over. But the pain nudged him away, just slightly.

It wasn't enough.

I felt the blood running down my side, the little shocks the pain brought through my body and down my spine.

It felt like hours before my hands stopped, and I looked down as though snapping out of a trance.

My entire right flank was blood, just pure red.

I heard Todd shift in his sleep, moaning at the change in position on his ribs.

He can't know.

I stared back at the mirror, terrified. The reflection was pale and clammy, dark circles marring the skin under their sunken eyes.

I bent over the sink, turning on the water and trying to wash the red off my hands.

But it wouldn't come off.

It wouldn't come off.

But how could it?

This isn't my blood, but Farah's.

Todd's.

Every person I had hurt just by being near them.

I scrubbed furiously, crying into the water as it swirled, but nothing would wash their blood off my hands.

Nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is really short, and may seem a little disjointed, but I tried to capture Dirk's loss of self-identity and his own guilt. Hope I did a fine job.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is Chapter Four! Thanks again to Flightinflame for her continued support despite my long hiatus! Your comments always make me very happy. Hope y'all like this new chapter, and sorry for another short one!
> 
> Warnings:  
> Aftermath of self-harm

|Todd|

|Day: 5|

It was five days. Five days of bland food, red pills, and sleep.

And pain. A lot of pain.

Twice a day, Priest would come in the room. Standing in the doorway, he would ask Dirk his name. If he refused, we got no food. No pills. So every day, he said it.

again

and again

and again.

I watched him now. His body was slowly wasting, the dark circles growing larger, his smiles getting smaller. He spends all day sitting on the floor, wrapped in the blanket, clutching it like a lifeline. I knew something had broken in him.

I walked over to his corner, sitting down next to him. Putting my head on his bony shoulder, I wrapped the other around his right side, pulling him close to me. Was I imagining it, or did he flinch?

I thought through his laundry list of injuries, thinking back to what we have been through. Nothing came to mind. Pulling away from him, I stared deep into his blank, sky blue eyes.

"Dirk, were you hurt there?" I saw him shift at the question, unmistakable fear creeping into his gaze.

God, was he scared of me?

"It's ok if something did, I just want to make sure you're alright." I silently cursed at myself. Of course it was fine if he was hurt. It's not like he was begging Priest to beat him. It didn't escape my notice that he curled closer into himself, wrapping the blanket almost imperceptibly tighter. What was making him so scared?

I reached a hand into the sheet, shifting it until it was off his thin form. Reaching for the zipper to his jumpsuit, I was surprised to feel Dirk's hand gripping mine, pulling it away from him. He quickly stood.

"Please, I just want to make sure you are alright." I watched him seem to wither at my soft tone as he contemplated his options. He slowly looked down and unzipped his jumpsuit halfway.

Pulling it slowly off his shoulders, he came closer to me until we were practically touching. He then took a deep breath and lifted the hem of his undershirt, which I noticed was dotted with blood.

Shit.

It looked as though someone had clawed his side, making deep scratches and burrows. I would have known if Priest had done that. I looked up to meet his eyes, but his were fixed on the floor.

"God, Dirk," I breathed and this seemed to take whatever fight was left in him. He slid softly to the floor, resting against the wall. The trail of blood his side left made my stomach turn.

"This is all my fault," he whispered. I crouched down before shifting and sitting, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around both of us. He nestled his head into my shoulder and sat like that for a few minutes. It was hours before he fell asleep, but even then I continued to hold him. His chest rose and fell slowly.

He looked so broken.

~•~•~•~•~•~

|Day: 6|

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Dirk had done that to himself. Although he never admitted it, it was obvious. I wondered how. And when. Did he get up when I was asleep and....

Fuck.

I looked over at his tall figure lying on the bed. He looked so small, so defeated. Had Priest broken him that easily? If this was how he was after five days, what about the years he spent here as a kid.

Did he do this as a child?

I stood from the floor, wincing as my limbs stretched and groaned. I had given Dirk the bed, since he obviously needed it. Walking into the bathroom, the water turning on and wetting the one small washcloth we were given. Twisting it and walking back to the bed, I shifted the blanket to reveal Dirk in his undershirt and oversized boxers.

We had both long discarded the jumpsuits last night, which were heavy enough to cause us both to overheat, but still. The intimacy of the situation made me blush. He looked so peaceful sleeping. I sighed, knowing I was going to disturb him.

Sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, I shook his shoulder. It took a few tries, but eventually his eyes opened. The glanced at me blearily for a moment before he shot up. The movement caused the skin on his ribs to stretch and he hissed in pain.

"It's ok, it's ok. I'm just going to clean your side." I lifted the rag to show him. I had waited a day to try and get him to calm down about it, but apparently that hadn't worked. He shook his head, pulling the hem to try and block me. I grabbed his hand, looking into his eyes.

"You can trust me, right Dirk? I'm your assis-friend. If you can't trust me, who can you?" I gave him a small smile, which he returned hesitantly. I guided his hands away, and lifted his shirt up slightly.

I had to fight to keep a grimace off my face. The skin was red and raised, with splotchy bruises and so, so many scratches.

Taking a shaky breath, my hand moved the rag to his side. Focusing on it, I felt Dirk's gaze on my neck, watching. I worked methodically, rubbing the cold cloth into his skin and trying to wipe away the blood, trying to ignore his little flinches. By the time I was done, the rag was stained slightly pink.

Now that it was clean, his side looked a little better. I let go of his shirt, moving to put the towel back in the bathroom. But before I could stand, I felt a hand grabbing mine. I looked back to Dirk, and he opened his cracked lips.

"C-can you... stay?" He asked softly, so softly. I nodded, pulling up next to him. Snuggled together, I felt another blush creeping up my neck and into my cheeks.

Why can't I just be cool with this?

I was surprised to hear Dirk's voice again, a little emotion lacing the words.

"Do you remember that night in Springsboro, Todd? The one with Farah and Amanda at the station?" I smiled, knowing exactly what night he was talking about. We were all excited about the case, trying to figure out how the timeline worked, so Farah made coffee. If I had thought Dirk was hyper before, god was I wrong.

Things to never do again: give him caffeine at 3:00 in the morning.

I looked down to see him with tears down his cheeks. His light sniffling filled the silence.

"Do you think Farah's alive?" He asked, head tipping to meet my gaze. I just curled deeper into him, closing my eyes into his hair.

"I don't know, Dirk. I don't know."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks to Flightinflame for her continued support! Hope y'all like this (short) chapter!
> 
> Warnings:  
> Aftermath of self-harm  
> Mild Violence  
> Little bit of Fluff

|Dirk|

|Day: 7|

We have been here for seven days, according to the food. The only interaction we have had since the first lesson was with Priest and his question, who gave us a portion of food and water twice a day, along with two red pills for Todd. Thank god we at least got his pills.

I sat up in the bed, rubbing my side self-consciously, watching as Todd was lying on the bed. Soft snores filled the air around him, a gentle reminder he was sleeping. He was just sleeping. I hadn't killed him.

Yet.

I thought back to last night, both of us falling asleep in each other's arms. When I woke, a little thought kept nagging at the back of my mind. Dig in harder. Make yourself bleed, and maybe Priest will disappear. Maybe you'll know your name. I thought back to my hands covered with blood, that was mine but not really mine.

Each drop was a reminder of how much I had hurt those I loved.

Todd groaned slightly as he shifted, his eyes fluttering open. When he noticed me sitting up, noticed my hands, and he rubbed his eyes.

"Did something happen?" He asked, knowing in his voice. I shook my head no, and he slowly sat up, swearing under his breath. A small creak sounded as the bed shifted and groaned. He walked slowly over to the bathroom.

"I want to do it again," I didn't even register that I spoke the thought out loud until Todd stopped. He glanced back.

"Listen, Dirk. No matter what happens, no matter how bad you want to, never do that again," I winced at his tone, and he softened his face, moving to sit next to me. "I need you to promise me, ok?" He asked, eyes boring into mine.

"Ok, Todd. I-I promise," I cursed at how uncertain my voice still sounded.

A sudden brightening of the lights preceded the door opening, allowing entry to Priest. My heart stopped in my chest, my hands moving deeper in my side. Maybe if the pain returned he would leave. Maybe if I...

No. I made a promise to Todd. I will keep that promise. I will.

I will.

We stood in unison, and I sidled into him as we both moved away from the door. Priest just smiled, slowly approaching.

My back brushed the wall along with Todd's, and still he approached us. Once he was within spitting distance, he grabbed my arm, pushing me into the opposite wall. I hissed at the pain that ripped through my side. I had almost forgotten about the bruise that was there. One hand gripped my shoulder tightly, the other gently brushing over my split lip. As though assessing the damage he had caused so many days before.

When I turned away, he punched me hard in the side. It gave out a sharp burst of pain, a loud sob leaving my throat.

"What happened here, Svlad?" He grabbed the hem of my shirt roughly, and I blushed when I remember my and Todd's jumpsuits discarded in the corner. I felt a flash of fear run through me as Priest studied my mutilated side.

"Did I already break you that much, Svlad?" He smirked before giggling and running a hand over the cuts, digging in. My vision wavered slightly at the pain. My focus was grabbed by something over his shoulder that pulled me away from the agony of my side.

I saw Todd approaching from behind Priest.

"Hey, you bastard!" He shouted at him, I saw Priest smile back at me for a second before turning to face Todd. Before I could process what was happening, Priest's head snapped to the side, and Todd clutched his fist in his hand, cursing. I whimpered out a small no as Priest pulled out his handgun, fiddling with it as though he was in thought. My heart was in my throat as he leveled it at the small man before him.

My blood (Todd's blood) covered his hand.

God, this can't be happening. This can't be bloody happening.

Priest stared at his opponent, laughing. He flicked off the safety. Todd's eyes grew as big as saucers. Priest then wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me close.

He picked the gun off the floor, leveling it under my chin as he watched Todd's reaction with glee. My best friend put his hands up, a look of pure terror adorning his face. Priest leaned in close to me, his lips brushing my cheek.

"That was a very stupid thing to do, Todd. Now Svlad here will have to pay the price." I watched as Todd swallowed heavily at that.

"You know, I was going to go easy on him. Slowly building the pain up until he just begged for me to stop. Now, though, I'm thinking I know just what to do," His right hand moved up my side, putting pressure on it for a second before sliding it onto my cheek, cupping it almost gently. I felt my body shake at his caresses. His gun then moved between my lips, pushing into my mouth. I was forced to turn my head up, baring my neck and unable to look at anything but the ceiling. The taste of gunpowder covered my tongue, and I gagged.

Todd began begging to Priest, telling him it was his fault, that he should be punished, not me. Priest just clicked his tongue and shook his head.

"I don't think you understand, Todd. Seeing me hurt Svlad because of you will be far worse than anything I could do to you. Same the other way around. You are each others weakness." He then took his gun out of my mouth, pushing me down onto the floor. "I'll be back for your punishment soon, darlings,"

As Todd knelt at my side, Priest made to leave before turning back around.

"Oh, and Todd? You won't be getting more pills any time soon." He giggled and waved back at us, leaving the room. His footfalls echoing through the room until the door shut.

Todd turned back to me, a tear slowly falling down his cheek. He whispered apologies, spilling them out of his mouth. He only shut up when I reached to wipe his tear, then looked deep into his blue eyes. They were so perfect, and so pretty.

His faced blushed deeply as I knelt in, kissing his lips softly. They tasted sweet, a sharp contrast to everything around us. They reminded me of home, even though I had no home. I just wanted this moment to last forever, for his lips to never leave mine.

A few seconds later we pulled away, keeping our foreheads together a few moments longer. I then pulled his shoulder into my chest, hugging him as he cried. My hand stroked little circles onto his arm until his rough sobs stopped. Still, we hugged each other, as though scared to let go.

We stayed like this until morning, little red pills noticeably absent.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all. Thanks to anyone still reading this! And, as always, lots of love to Flightinflame! Hope everyone likes this chapter! I apologize in advance.
> 
> Warnings:  
> Self-harm/past self-harm  
> Torture

|Dirk|

|Day: 9|

Two more days passed, with no word from Priest. Or anybody. The guard hadn't brought food in since the last time after the altercation. Our only indication of the time was the darkening of the lights at night.

Me and Todd sat in the corner, as I was holding his body close to mine.

His face is pale, his eyes lacking the luster they had days before. His attacks have taken a toll on him. They have been so frequent, sometimes he has one just for it to trigger another. He hasn't slept since he stopped getting the pills. Most of the day has been me caring for him. I laughed at this inside; a few days ago he had been taking care of me.

His tears soaked through my thin undershirt on my shoulder, as I tried to get him to stop crying. But still he sobbed, his body so broken there was nothing he could do without pain. I softly stroked his hair, and he leaned pitifully into my touch. A sharp scream broke into my thoughts, breaking my soul. Todd grappled at his stomach, writhing in pain. I was up in an instant, holding his shoulders down and forcing him to look at me.

"Todd, listen. It isn't real. Whatever you're feeling isn't real," He just moaned, his eyes getting unfocused.

"Dirk, i-it hurts," He whimpered, his eyes slipping to mine. The pain I saw in them was terrible. It felt like hours before his screams softened into moans, his eyes slowly shutting. I kept whispering in his ear until his pained breaths eased and he slipped fully into unconsciousness.

I pulled him back into my arms, waiting until he woke back up and the cycle to start again. His brow was sweaty, causing the tips of his hair to stick to it. I tried to brush them away, but they were stubborn in their place.

My hand then shifted to my palm, rubbing it harshly and digging my fingernails into it. I wanted the pain right now. But I couldn't betray Todd, and my promise. His eyes slipped open a centimeter, allowing a thin crack of blue to be seen. Even as he began swimming back to consciousness, his breaths grew shakier and heavier with pain. My heart broke at the agony he's going through because of me. I remember my (his) blood on Priest's hand.

Before Todd was even fully awake, a thud sounded through the room as the door opened, and Priest along with two lackeys stepped in. He grinned at the sight of me clutching Todd to my chest. His boots crunched onto the floor as he approached me.

His rough hand grabbed my arm as he dragged me into the opposite corner, leaving Todd unprotected. As the two guards took over restraining me, Priest walked back over to the other corner. He pulled a syringe out of his back pocket and plunged it into Todd's arm.

I struggled harder against the soldiers, shouting out his name. Priest looked back at me, smirking.

"Don't worry, Svlad, that was just to wake him up." I watched as Todd stirred more, panicking when he saw that monster looming over him. He struggled as Priest gripped his shoulder, holding him down as he emptied the contents of two pills into his mouth. The guards holding me let go, and I rushed to his side.

I helped him to stand, and he rose slowly from the floor. Priest gestured for us to walk in front of him. I was too scared to do anything but follow his instructions.

Our party left, going down the corridor. I kept Todd close to me, supporting nearly all his weight. His head laid on my shoulder, his steady breaths warm in my neck.

Anxiety spread through my chest. What's Priest going to do to me? To Todd? Possibilities flashed before my eyes. I stumbled, my legs buckling, and was surprised to feel Todd catching me. We give each other small smiles before the guard behind us shoved us forward.

We soon reached the testing room, and once the code was punched in, the door opened.

The room was set up the same as before. There was still a metal table and two chairs. The soldiers pulled me away from Todd, and one of them pushed me hard down, pulling the restraints tight against my legs and chest. The latter shifted roughly against my side, causing me to gasp in pain. The other one did the same with Todd.

Between us was a knife. It was simple. It lay there ominously, drawing all the gravity in the room towards it.

"Now, lets play a little game," The look he gave me made me go cold. "Svlad, do you still want to hurt yourself?" I curled my hands into fists at the question. I didn't really know the answer.

Or was I just scared of it?

Todd looked over at him, anger in his eyes.

"Stop it. Don't you say another word about that." He said, his voice wavering slightly. Priest just laughed again, grabbing the blade off he table. He twisted it expertly between his fingers, the metal catching the light.

"Now, the answer doesn't matter. Here are the rules of our next lesson: you will take this knife and cut into yourself. Over and over." The world tilted slightly at that, the panic I had been holding back returning and causing my chest to tighten.

"Or, you won't be the one with the scars, but Todd." He slammed the knife back on the table, the sudden noise causing both me and Todd to jump. Looking over at him, the panic that slipped into his eyes, my heart fell.

"Mr. Priest p-plea-," I tried to beg, but he cut me off by slapping me across the cheek. The stinging pain spread through the right side of my face.

"Oh, Svlad, I know you don't actually want to do this. But you and Todd need to be taught a lesson." My breaths were now coming in short gasps as Priest picked up the silver blade.

Todd started shouting my name as the room started spinning. My chest felt tight. Spots of black made holes in my vision until I felt something jab into my arm. My panic receded immediately, the room still slightly spinning. I heard Todd shout out to Priest, asking what he did to me.

"We couldn't have him passing out from a panic attack, now could we?" He set the syringe down on the table, and my muddled mind thought about where those kept coming from. Does he have a secret stash of those things in his back pocket? Or an invisible purse? The thought of Priest with a purse...

My thoughts were pulled back slightly when the loud sound of Priest running his fingernails over the blade rang through the room.

"Now what is it going to be, Svlad?" I tried to think through the heavy veil covering my brain to a possible solution. I've got two choices. I get hurt. Or Todd. The answer is simple. I would hurt myself forever to spare him. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to say this. My thinking was cut of by a loud scream as Priest pulled the blade across Todd's ribs.

"No," I whispered, as though this would stop him. A thin cut ran through his shirt, blood already blooming on the light fabric. Todd's heavy breathing was loud and filled the room.

"Dirk, don't you dare do this. Not for me. I will take every second of pain, just... please. Remember your promise." His voice broke a little at the end, his eyes filling with tears. Priest punched him in the side.

"Remember his name," he said with a smile. Todd just glared at him, then continued begging me. Priest got fed up after a minute, using the knife to cut a strip from Todd's shirt. He then tied it around his face, making a makeshift gag.

"Last chance, or I'll cut every line into him, and think of something else for you," My mind gave up, settling on a choice and praying it was right.

"M-me," My voice was barely legible, shaking so badly the word seemed to waver. But Priest heard it.

"Alright, you it is," He put the knife in my palm. The weight seemed so heavy. I looked at him and sadly smiled.

"How am I going to do it with my arms pinned?" Priest sighed, then moved to undo the restraint across my chest. Once my arms were free, I took a deep breath. Todd was crying, begging through the gag.

Moving my arms slowly, I leveled the knife above my thigh. Pressing it slowly into my skin, I dragged it across. Pain bloomed, along with blood. I then made a decision.

No, I didn't want this. Not like this.

The deepness of the cut surprised me. Even with the little pressure I put on the blade, it still cut deep. Blood was now dripping off my leg, onto the floor. It was the only sound in the 

Again and again, I cut my skin. By the time Priest told me to stop, lines crisscrossed my thighs. My head swam, the room shifting and turning. It must be blood loss. There was a lot of it, covering my legs, my hands, the floor, the knife.

As Priest wrenched the blade from my grip, I looked at Todd. The gag was still there. His face looked horrible. Tears ran freely down his face, and his eyes seemed to only hold pain and emptiness.

Priest set the knife down in the table, and the world started to go dark at the edges. I saw him lean on close.

"Now have you learned your lesson, Svlad...

|Todd|

"...You will always have blood on your hands." I watched as Dirk's head dipped down, his eyes growing hodded. The red slowly dripped from his thighs onto the ground, causing a small puddle next to his feet. It was so much brighter then I thought it should be.

I sobbed, unable to hold it back anymore. Everything's gone to hell, and no ones coming to save us.

Dirk slowly slipped into unconsciousness. Priest reached up with both hands, one reaching up to cover Dirk's mouth, the other going towards his legs.

I screamed at him to stop as he dug his finger into the wounds, running them along the deep tracks. His hand muffled the screams. Dirk started thrashing again, his eyes snapping open and the pain pulling him far from unconsciousness.

We were both sobbing by the time he pulled away. His head lolled to the side, his eyes once again slipping closed. Priest's terrifying giggle was the next thing to reach my ears.

"I told you I would have him begging," he said, stepping back and wiping my friends blood onto my shirt. I forced my tears to stop, my voice to be collected as I asked Priest something I have been wondering since I first heard Dirk say his name. Since the first day we were in this horrid place.

"Why are you doing this?" He simply laughed,

"Because, dear Todd, it's so much fun."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick update:
> 
> No one probably cares but I will most likely write a sequel for this. it may take a long time as I really don't like to post things until they are completed, but I thought y'all should know. Also, there will now be ten chapters instead of nine to better wrap things up. Have a good day and thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. Flightinflame, you are the best, as always. Hope everyone likes this chapter!
> 
> Warnings:  
> Aftermath of violence/torture  
> Graphic depictions of injuries

|Todd|

|Day: 9|

I fell to the floor hard, my hands and knees connecting with the concrete. I sat there for a second to catch my breath. My hands then reached up, undoing the gag that was still around my head.

Dirk had just done that for me. To save me from the same fate. I thought about the blood covering him, the floor, the knife. My stomach turned at the thought.

This was taking too long. Where is he? What was happening to him? After what seemed like eternity, they finally brought him in. The guard threw his body out of his thick arms, quickly turning and leaving the room.

I pushed Dirk against the wall, needing something to prop him up. He was so weak, he couldn't even support the weight of his head, which hung down into his chest. I looked wildly around the room, trying to find something to close his wounds. To stop the blood that was flowing so readily out of him.

God, there's so much blood.

I then noticed the basic first-aid kit that sat on the bed. At least the bastards gave us that. Opening it, I took stock of what it contained. Needle, thread, disinfectant. It had been obviously stocked for this, having no more than the essentials to stitch someone up. I thought back to the little I knew about this. It's been years since my training for Boy Scouts, which I had mostly slept through, but I had watched enough TV to know that it was similar to sewing.

I think.

I looked back at Dirk. His face was a mask of pain, his eyes slipping in and out of awareness. The floor around him was marred with blood. It pooled under him, making his shirt and boxers soaked through. His arm hung limply by his side, each crevice on his hand lined with red. It was already dry, much like his thighs. He seemed notice my gaze on him, lifting his head slightly. He licked his chapped lips once, as though trying to remember how to talk through the muddled haze of pain that must be covering his mind.

"I-I'm s-sorry Todd. I b-broke the p-promise," I stopped trying to thread the needle, looking straight at him.

"God, Dirk, that was not your fault. You did not break the promise. You were just trying to pro-protect me," my voice wavered slightly at that, thinking of all the pain I caused him. I saw his eyes slipping closed and remembered the urgency of the situation. Pulling out the thread through the eye and slowly threading it, I took a deep breath.

That first time pulling it through Dirk's skin, hearing his little whimpers, was enough to make me want to cry. Sob until the room dissolved and I was so far gone that nothing could touch me.

But I continued sewing, breaking through his skin over and over. I finished the first one, giving him thirteen stitches. I looked over his legs, trying to find the next worst cut. It was on his outer thigh, by his hipbone. The skin was deeply split, each side pulling away and revealing his inner flesh. I fought the urge to vomit as I once again started sewing his skin.

It took hours and all the thread but finally every one of his cuts was done. I took out the bottle of disinfectant, pouring it over the incisions. I saw how Dirk opened his eyes for the first time since I started at that, letting out a low groan. My hand reached to his shoulder, both to comfort him and to hold him in place.

I pulled out the bandages, wrapping them around both of his thighs. With it covered, he looked almost normal. But then I looked to his shirt, the floor, his red-marked hands.

I stood shakily, tucking the bloody needle into the elastic of my boxers absentmindedly. Walking to the bathroom, I retched, nothing coming up. I had almost forgotten about the two days without food. My hands were shaking. I then thought about the pills. I hoped they would start again. Hoped that whatever punishment that I had caused would be over.

Using a swatch of cotton, I soaked up some water to clean the floor and his hands. I knew he wouldn’t be able to bear to see his hands covered in blood, even his own.

I raised my head, looking into the mirror. My face had little marks of Dirk's blood covering it, spots where I brushed the hair from my face while sewing him. Or the tears from my eyes.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair before turning back into the other room, and my friend lying unconscious on the floor.

|Dirk|

|Day: 10|

Pain. That was the first thing that rolled through my brain. The next was cold. I was so cold. My teeth were chattering, my arms shaking.

My eyes blinked open, the white ceiling spinning. I noticed the blanket laid out on the floor, little spots of red peeking through. I needed to find my voice, to find Todd. I licked my chapped lips, feeling then protest at the movement.

My voice sounded shaky and breathy as I said Todd's name. He was above me in a second, asking me questions about how I felt. My eyes were drawn to his, filled with worry. They were so blue, like the ice that filled my veins. Cold. I was so cold.

He nodded. I guess I said the thought out loud. He grabbed my jumpsuit from the corner, helping me dress like a child.

As my legs moved, I hissed. It felt like they were ripping apart. I saw the bandages wrapped around my thighs, dotted in my (Farah's) blood. Todd was saying something that sounded medical-y when I saw the world start to dim again.

I grabbed his hand when he finished zipping the heavy material up.

"I-I'm scared," I breathed. He then grabbed my shoulders, pulling me towards him. His lips brushed mine softly. I leaned into the kiss, over in a second as I fell into his arms. It was then I knew I was safe.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end! Only two more chapters to go after this one. Thanks to y'all for reading this, especially Flightinflame. Hope you guys like this!
> 
> Warnings:  
> Self-harm/Aftermath of self-harm

|Dirk|

|Day: 11|

I jumped up as the door opened, heavy gunfire sounding. Standing up excitedly, knowing what was coming.

We were being rescued.

We are going to leave Blackwing.

Farah strode in, two guns drawn and a look of pure awesomeness on her face.

"Time to go," she said smiling. Todd was already outside, his hands gesturing for me to follow. I stood, running to catch up as they started down the hallway. It was littered with bullet holes.

"See, Dirk? I told you. We are not stuck here forever." But then Todd fell to the ground, along with Farah. Both had bloody holes between their eyes. I felt a shift in the scene as things grew grey, the only color left was the red on their faces and the blue of Todd's eyes.

Priest was there. He pulled me into a room, which suddenly became closed off from the world. Shoving me down into a chair and doing the restraints, which seemed impossibly heavy. He whispered in my ear.

"Now, now, darlin', you don't want more blood on your hands, do you?" He laughed, pulling a pair of-were those scissors?- from the table and wrapping my hands around them.

He then used them to stab my legs.

The blood was dripping down, red against the grey and covering my hands and still he wouldn't stop he just kept laughing and he just kept stabbing over and over and over and-

I woke, sweat dripping down my back. The moment my eyes opened, harsh whiteness filled the world. My ears seemed to be softly ringing, droning as though there was a note being played just out of reach.

I felt two steady hands on my shoulders, holding me on the bed. That was when I realized I had been thrashing wildly against restraints no longer there.

I saw Todd above me and connected his hands to the ones I felt. The worry in his eyes made a little panic creep into mine.

I remembered. A couple of snippets from my fevered awakening earlier, enough to make me wonder where my jumpsuit had gone again.

Priest, both real and imagined, cutting me with my own hands.

"I'm sorry, Todd. I'm so so sorry," I whispered. I broke his promise. All could think about was my hands covered in (Todd's) blood.

He moved slightly off, allowing me to sit up. The action made my head start pounding, a pressure forming behind my eyes. I leaned my back was against the wall behind the bed for support.

Shifting the covers to see the bandages covering my thighs, Todd stood from his spot near my foot. Little dots of (Farah's) blood made art on the white canvas.

I swung my legs over the side, then tried to stand up. But the moment pressure was put on them I collapsed on the floor. I felt tears well in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

I had done this to myself. This was all my fault. Everything was my fault.

Todd was there in a second, whispering little words of worry. It etched his face like a tablet, lines appearing that I could've sworn weren't days ago. I couldn't stop thinking of Priest's words. I caused him pain. I'm reason he's here at this.... revised Blackwing.

His arm went around my shoulders, but I pushed it away, crawling awkwardly to the other wall. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve any of the kindness he's showing me.

"Dirk, what's wrong?" His voice was filled with worry, with a slight hint of hurt at my reaction.

What's wrong? Everything's wrong. We're stuck in this bloody hellhole with no escape in sight. The Cardenas case is gone. What could possibly be worse?

Thoughts of Todd and Farah's dead bodies sprung into my mind, which I quickly pushed away.

I took a closer look at my friend, who beyond being a little pale, seemed fine.

"Did they give you more pills?" I breathed, both wanting to know and trying to deflect the attention. He nodded.

"Though they still haven't given us food. We'll probably feel the effects of that soon." He then looked at my legs. "How do you feel? You had a fever, and woke a few times, but mostly you were just shouting in your sleep," he looked sheepish at that, prompting me to wonder what I said. He seemed to want to shift the subject after that, a little blush creeping into his cheeks. God, what had I said?

"Will you tell me about your first case?" His question caught me by surprise. I haven't talked about my past with Todd. He quickly went on, seeing my confused expression.

"It's just, you were mumbling in your sleep about salt shakers in clay pots, and I realized you never told me about your first case." He looked a little sheepish, staring at his hands.

I then launched into a story I hadn't told in a while, about time machines and ghosts, while Todd sat silently.

"So, this professor was really a time traveler losing his memory, who used his machine to get powder from a far off land to use as foundation all to make a little girl happy?" His simplified explanation made me smile. A true smile. "So what the hell did the aliens and the ghosts have to do with any of it?"

I tried to answer his many questions, absentmindedly digging my fingers into the soft cloth wrapped around my legs.

It had been ages since I thought about that case. Since I had thought about any of my time in London. I had been a different person back then, but the I still had good memories. With the professor and Gordon and Robert-

I felt Todd's hands on my shoulders, pulling me from my thoughts. I looked down at my legs, where I had almost ripped through the bindings and had started the bleeding again.

I shifted my gaze back to Todd. His blue eyes were full of emotion that made me feel like I was ripping apart.

"I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I was doing it," I saw tears fill his eyes but refuse to fall. He simply shifted next to me, resting his head on my shoulder. My arm went around his body as I stared at the far wall. The cleanliness of the room was marred only by the tangle of the blanket on the bed. Even as we sat here, on the floor in this wretched place, my mind was elsewhere.

Was this how life was going to be now? One of us being hurt and the other comforting them, like an endless cycle.

A cycle with no end.

Over and over and over and-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The text about Dirk's first case is based off of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams. I'd recommend reading it if you haven't already!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. We're so close! Just one more chapter to go after this...
> 
> Warnings:  
> Graphic/disturbing violence

|Todd|

|Day: 11|

It took a while for Dirk to calm down. For his breathing to be steady and his eyes to grow hooded. Even now he wasn't asleep, but just wasn't fully conscious. It had been a rough two days. The effect of blood loss and no food made Dirk feverish, constantly shifting from hot to cold then back again.

And the way he had absentmindedly dug into his skin like that? It made my stomach turn. He hadn’t even recognized he had been doing it. It was all my fault. I was the one Priest used as leverage against him. I’m the one who made him have blood on his hands, to just rock back and forth whispering to himself. This is all my fault. All my fault. All my-

I can’t think about that now. Its not fair to Dirk, and Dirk needs me.

And I need Dirk. I can’t lose him, I can’t.

That was then the door decided to open. I forced myself up on my feet in a second, wincing as Dirk's body fell to floor without my support. In walked Priest, that monster, looking around at the scene before him with a smile.

"Well Todd, how are things going today?" He asked with a smirk. My hand gripped the needle tightly in my fist. This was it. This was our last chance.

I hadn’t meant to keep it. It was just something to do with my hands to focus on. I had meant to return it to kit later, not wanting to risk punishment for keeping it.

But a day ago I had realized that I had a weapon. A small, blunt one, but a weapon none the less.

Priest stalked closer, moving to examine Dirk. That was when I took the metal object from its spot and plunged it into his neck. I managed to hit that little fleshy spot where it connected to his shoulder. It wasn’t enough to kill him, but enough.

He fell to the floor, writhing and... was he laughing? I looked around, making sure he actually was cocky enough to come in alone, as he had been, then shook Dirk.

His eyes opened slightly, hazel gazing blearily out. I pulled him to his feet quickly, supporting almost all his weight. I tried to ignore the pulling of my side, the general ache that moving made across my whole body. Dirk needed me, and I was going to save him from this wretched place if it was the last thing I did. 

Together we left the room, shuffling down the hallway. It was deserted, no one there and lights dimmed. 

The emptiness of it surprised me. It was as though Blackwing was completely, utterly, gone. Dirk had kinda told me that Priest had been pretending it was Blackwing when he had actually just captured us of his own accord, but I never suspected a complete shutdown like this. That sick bastard. To think he actually went through all of this just to torture Dirk. 

The dark hallway we walked down was filled with doors, some with familiar black symbols painted on them. Even as we roamed the floor, my stomach coiled in fear. 

Where was the exit? Priest would have to be close behind us, ready to catch up any second.

The corridor turned sharply, and I was surprised to find this one lit. The first door was ajar, it’s grey surface blank. I thought I could hear faint footsteps behind us, along with-

singing?

I quickly turned into the room, bringing Dirk with me. Closing the door, I looked around at the surroundings.

It had a few free-standing pantry shelves, empty except for one box. I let go of Dirk, allowing him to slide down the wall, before ripping it open. I was surprised to see my sweater and Dirk's jacket. This was our clothes. A sudden shot of hope went through me. I rummaged around a little more, finally coming upon what I was looking for: my phone.

Flipping through the contacts, the first I saw was Amanda. I clicked on it hurriedly, putting the object against my ear. It rang for what seemed like forever, before her voicemail message came up.

"Damn it," I breathed. Time was running out. I flicked through the remaining numbers until I found Farah's. It was worth a shot. It only rang twice before a voice that I didn't know I'd been longing to hear filled my ears.

"Farah, you're alive!" I said. Dirk looked up at that, his mouth open in surprise. His voice was barely there as he just whispered her name over and over, finally seeming to get some grasp on reality.

"Todd! Where are you? I've been looking for you for days. I found a place that I thought could be Blackwing, but it was deserted. It was in Montan-" I cut her off, hearing the singing once again from the hallway.

"Farah, that place you thought was abandoned? I think we're there. Please hurry, he's coming." I heard noise on the other end of the line.

"I'm only about twenty minutes away. Just hang on, Todd. Please," I quickly hung up and heard the dial tone, just before the door burst open.

Priest's form was outlined against the light behind him. I saw that his gun raised, the safety quickly being turned off. I barely had time to react before a round went off, burying itself inches away from my head.

I heard Dirk's breath hitch at that, and I looked over at him slumped against the other wall. He looked horrible, and I remembered how bad of a condition he's in. One hand was clasped over another, pressing his thumb into his palm deeply enough to draw blood.

Priest just waltzed over to him, grabbing his arm and pulling him off the ground. His voice was sickeningly happy as it echoed in the room.

"Who'd you call, Todd?" He asked, shifting the gun to Dirk's side. I noticed the needle was still sticking in his neck. Did the guy have no concept of pain? He seemed to notice where my gaze was, and lifted his arm from Dirk's neck to pull it out. My friend couldn’t do anything but lean on him for support.

He studied the thin metal closely, before ramming it into the same spot on Dirk’s neck. He screamed at that, a horrid sound that buried in my soul and would no doubt haunt my nightmares. his eyes glazed over slightly and he slumped even more against Priest.

"D-don't tell him," he whispered a few seconds later, pain lacing his voice. "Please, Todd," I took a few heavy breaths, keeping my jaw shut. Priest just sighed, seeming almost sad for us as he spoke.

"You know, just telling me who you called will lessen your 'friends' pain considerably."

Fifteen minutes. I just had to keep that in mind. Farah's coming. We will be rescued. I heard Dirk's breath quicken as Priest's hand moved again, this time shifting to his arm.

"P-please, Mr. Priest," he whimpered. He looked so helpless, his entire body weight resting on his captor. The first thing that went through the room was a sharp crack, the next Dirk's shriek. He clutched his left arm, tears now streaming down his face. I yelled his name, fighting the urge to run to his side, still mindful of the gun nearby.

Fourteen minutes.

My mind was elsewhere as Priest dropped him, withdrawing into myself and trying to be anywhere but here. A few horrible seconds of him beating Dirk with his boot went by, before he straightened and walked over to me. His hands closed around my throat, cutting of my windpipe. His voice sounded close to my ear as he asked the question again, though even if I wanted to I couldn't answer.

Just as I felt consciousness start to slip, both bright and black spots dancing in front of me, a loud gunshot rang through the air. I expected to feel a rush of pain, to hear another scream from Dirk, but none came. Instead I felt the pressure being lifted from my neck.

Priest fell to the floor, hands going to his stomach. They came away bloody. I then met Dirk's gaze, noticing the gun in shaking his hands. One arm was pressed tightly to his side. Even as his knees buckled he held the black object forward.

Ten minutes

Priest lay against the wall, still staring at his hands. I noticed a little spot of shiny red on his lips as they turned up in a smile. 

"Look at that, Svlad-y! Finally the killer I knew you were." I moved towards Dirk, who was just staring at Priest on the floor, but was cut off by his slick hand grabbing mine. "Now you really do have blood on your hands,"

I looked down at our captor, who had tormented us for weeks, as the light slowly left his eyes. The smile still danced on his lips. My hands were dripping with his blood. A small sob brought my attention back to my friend.

He looked worse then I had ever seen him, so pale I would have thought he was dead except for the little sounds escaping him. His grip on the gun weakened, the weapon falling from his grasp. I ran over to him, grabbing his hands in mine, trying to support him. He just needed a little longer, just a little longer.

I realized my mistake immediately as he pulled away, staring down. Priest's blood had transferred from me to him. It seemed to cut him out of whatever state he had been in before.

"Todd, stay away from me. I-I don't want to hurt you," the way he said it, genuine worry cutting through ripped me apart. He shifted slightly and a groan escaped his throat. I then remembered his virtual laundry list of injuries, and once again prayed for our impending rescue.

Five minutes. Just five of the longest fucking minutes of my life.

I stood back up, grabbing the phone from where it lay on the floor. I tapped Farah's contact again.

"Farah, Priest's dead. Dirk- he... he killed him," I heard a string of curses come from her mouth, something so uniquely 'Farah' it almost made me smile.

"Ok. I'm close. Just hold on, Todd. Please," She hung up again, and I walked back to Dirk.

"It's gonna be fine, buddy. Farah's coming. We're being rescued," he just kept staring at his hands, coated in blood that wasn't his own.

I barely noticed Farah entering the room minutes later, her shock at our condition. I just kept looking at Dirk, and the blood that coated his hands.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, y'all! The final chapter. I wrote this months ago, back when I actually had free time, so I wasn't really sure how I felt posting it. But everyone has been really supportive, especially flightinflame, you have no idea how amazing your comments have been. I'm truly happy I ended up posting this. So now, without further delay, the final chapter.
> 
> Warnings:   
> Aftermath of everything shitty thing that has happened to them

|Farah|

When I walked into that room, with Todd leaning heavily against the wall, Dirk pratically catatonic staring at his hands, my first thought was simple:

Shit.

It had only been just over a week since I last saw them, running into the Cardenas' house.

Eleven days, three hours and twelve minutes.

Not that I was counting.

Even through everything we had seen, everything all of us have done, I have never seen anyone who looked as broken as these two. 

It wasn’t just how thin and pale they'd gotten. It wasn't the blood that covered both of them, although that didn't help. It wasn't even the gun that lay inches away from Dirk's feet.

It was their eyes. The pain that Todd's held, the sorrow. But more the overwhelming blankness in Dirk's. That look of nothing that shone through them. He just continued to stare at his bloody hands, unseeing.

I finally snapped out of my thoughts and started moving when Todd's knees buckled. He slid down the wall to the floor beside Priest's body.

At least that bastard is dead.

I walked over to him, kneeling down and taking his red hands in mine. His eyes shifted up to mine, seeming to just comprehend that I was there. He breathed my name out slowly, before pulling me into a hug.

His breath was warm against my neck, his tears falling down onto my shirt. I knew I had to move, to get them both somewhere safe, but I couldn't pull away, not with how he clung to me like a lifeline.

It was several minutes before he dropped his arms, his breath hitching as he looked over at Dirk. I could feel the concern run through him as he crawled, yes, crawled to his friend.

That was when Dirk freaked out, standing and jumping back from Todd. I saw the fear that his eyes held. But also the concern. He wasn't scared of Todd. He was worried about him, he was afraid for him.

At first I couldn't hear his words, they were so quiet. But then as Todd kept approaching him, they got louder to the point where he was almost yelling, and my blood froze.

"Please, Todd. I don't want to hurt you. I'm dangerous. Please-" A single tear slipped out, trailing slowly down his cheek. His strength gave out and he crumpled to the floor with a cry of pain. It was only then Todd fully came over to him, kneeling and looking at his friend's neck. Dirk just kept whimpering, his eyes unseeing.

"Todd, what are you-" I started to ask, before I stepped closer and could see. His hands were gently pulling a needle out of Dirk's neck, buried almost to the end. He was speaking calmly, whispers I couldn’t make out. His fingers were shaking, but he kept his pace steady as to not hurt his friend. My stomach turned. What the hell had happened to them?

Once the needle was fully out, Todd chucked it as far away from him as possible, before pulling Dirk close to his chest. I reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to ignore his flinch.

"We need to bring you both to the hospital, ok?" I asked gently, already trying to work out our options. We were still fugitives, but I knew a doctor who works nearby who may be able to keep our identities hidden. That would have to be good enough. By the amount of blood I could see on their shirts, the bandages, that goddamn needle laying somewhere in the room, I knew the boys needed more help then I could give.

Todd gave no other indication than nodding. He pulled Dirk in closer, their difference in size making the move awkward. Even though Dirk kept whimpering for him to get away, he leaned into Todd's chest, his hands gripping his shirt tightly.

Together they walked out of Blackwing, of the place where they had been tortured for days, years, by a monster.

Together they sat in the back of my stolen car, both going into the backseat, still holding on to each other with all their strength.

Together they whispered as I drove, sweet little nothings like they had just days ago as we speeded away from the hospital where the Boy had been killed.

Together they survived what no man should have to survive.

Together they went through hell.

Together, in each other’s arms, where they always will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that is it, the end! Once again, thanks to everyone who has supported me as I posted this. As I said before, there will most likely be a sequel at some point, but I am a slow writer so it will be awhile. Thanks for reading!


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